The prosecution: Martin
I’m happy that Rob will get a hand, but it’s a lot more than I had from Mum, which I don’t think is fair
I’m 36 and I got on the property ladder by myself when I was 31. I scrimped and saved but was also on a very good wage in my job as a marketing executive. My mum, Patricia, also gave me a bit of help: £10,000 to be exact, for which I was very grateful. I also used the government lifetime ISA scheme, which I saw as a great way to get free money. I had to remortgage recently when the rates were sky high (my mortgage went up by £200 a month), and have struggled a bit as I’m single, though I can get by.
I have since learned that Mum is planning to sell our family home that I haven’t lived in for years. She wants to give me and my brother, Rob, money, but says the priority is to help out Rob. She wants to downsize and buy him a flat outright as well as a property for herself. She pointed out the stamp duty discounts for those buying multiple properties at once as a good reason. I’m happy that Rob will get a hand, but it’s a lot more than I had from Mum, which I don’t think is fair.
Rob, who is 28, can see that I’m lumbered with a big mortgage and have had to make all the payments on my own for years. He lives at home with Mum, who feels guilty for turfing him out. No one bought a flat for me.
She has now suggested she could buy Rob the flat, but that he would pay half of my mortgage while I had one, so he wouldn’t be totally bill-free and it would be fairer to me. I wasn’t opposed to this, but I think it’s really complicated. Does that mean Rob has a legal stake in my property? What if something happens and suddenly Rob has more expenses and won’t be able to afford to help me? I’d rather keep things separate.
The other alternative is that Mum just gives us equal amounts of cash, with me receiving £10,000 less than Rob. I think this is the fairest way to give us a gift, but Mum is worried Rob won’t be able to buy a property for several more years as he doesn’t have a good salary. I suggested he can rent until he earns more, like I did.
It’s all complex but maybe I should stay out of it. Am I being selfish for even pointing out the unfairness of the original proposition? It would entrench inequality in our family and I don’t think Mum has thought it through. Rob is pretty neutral.
The defence: Patricia
Rob obviously needs more help than Martin, and I’d like to see him sorted
My thinking behind buying a flat for Rob was that he needs somewhere to live now that I’m selling the house. I just feel that renting is such dead money. Martin rented for a bit before I helped him buy his place, but renting was cheaper then. I will sell my house for a good amount (around £750,000) and it’s mortgage-free, so I want to help out. My husband left years ago and I paid off the mortgage by myself. Now I want to retire by the sea. But before I go, I want to give my kids a gift.
Rob obviously needs more help than Martin, and I’d like to see him sorted. I realise that Rob living mortgage-free isn’t fair, but I would give Martin some cash too. He’s not happy with that because he says Rob will be catapulted ahead of him financially. I guess the issue is that he would be paying off his mortgage for years whereas Rob would be living with no bills. To appease him I suggested Rob help Martin pay off his mortgage. Martin thinks this will complicate matters, and could compromise their relationship should anything go wrong.
Martin says gifting us equal amounts of cash is the fairest way, but that won’t help Rob. He can’t buy a property on his own as his salary is too low. Really, Martin and his brother are lucky to have any help at all. Lots of their friends don’t get anything from their parents.
I suppose the fairest way is for Rob to rent for a bit as Martin did, and for me to give them the same amount. I don’t want to do either of my kids wrong and I don’t want Martin to think that Rob is the favourite son. I would like to retire and feel I’ve done my best for both my children.
The jury of Guardian readers
Should Mum buy a property for Rob?
Share the cash, otherwise it will sow resentment as a legacy. This way, Rob will have a helping hand to stand on his own two feet.
Anna, 60
While I understand Martin’s view, Rob needs more support. Looking at cheaper properties so Martin would still get some financial help could work.
Lucy, 49
Fairness does not always mean equal treatment and currently Rob’s need seems greatest. Gifting him money now could mean less inheritance tax in the future.
Laurence, 47
They should think of debt and wealth as familially held, using Patricia’s generous gift to both reduce Martin’s mortgage and allow Rob to get a foot on to the property ladder.
Hayley, 29
These things are best resolved by an even split. Anything else will only sow resentment. Having said that, Martin could probably use an attitude change: it’s not a competition.
Finn, 28
Now you be the judge
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